June 25, 2021

When it hurts to exist...

When it hurts to exist...

TW/CW
Discussion of mental illness and depression

 

I struggle with the big D. No, not that D, cochinos. Depression is something that has been a part of my life since I can remember. I’ve accepted mental illness and learned to accept it as something I will live with for the rest of my life. That’s not my only diagnosis, but depression is the pick me of the group that insists on making everything about them. When I think I have everything under control, it just creeps up on me, taking over my body.

Recently I had to make a decision that really just tore me up. I had a goal, a dream that was finally within reach, and my physical health decided to fuck things up. That forced me to reevaluate the past 4 years of my life. I’m lucky with my privilege that I have options. Not great paying ones, but one thing at a time, right. I can no longer work in the medical profession as I had wanted and I am having trouble letting that go. It’s almost like I’m grieving a future I never even had or experienced. Depression has decided to take hold of me just a little harder.

Two years ago, when my mother died unexpectedly, I had to work hard to function at the most basic level. I didn’t think I’d survive that. When I finally saw the light at the end of that tunnel, I put everything into getting to this point here, today. I swear it’s almost like depression is cyclical with me. My body hurts, too. I’m tired. Physically and mentally exhausted. 

So much work and planning goes into each day to ensure that I move forward. I love having a podcast with my sister because I get to do something fun every single week with my best friend. I have this tangible thing that I can work with, look forward to, and share with others. When I learned that my shitty health was going to stick around and that there’s nothing I can do with that at the moment, I clung dearly to this podcast. But with each day, the reality of my nursing career slipping away becomes more visible, bold, real. I feel gutted each day.

I’m a positive person. I know; it doesn’t really sound that way after all I just wrote. I really am. So I am working hard to create moments of happiness, excitement, and accomplishments to give me that much-needed serotonin. I know I cannot trick depression away. But along with actual medicine, those moments are good medicine for what fucks with me on a daily basis. 

You might notice that I’m always smiling when we take videos or photos. Like genuine no-shit smiles with my eyes and all. That’s because I really do love being happy. I’m not talking about toxic positivity bullshit; I mean real happiness from even the smallest of joys. My life has been full of so much wrong, pain, hurt, and fucked up events that sometimes it just feels too normal. But luckily, I’m surrounded by good people and a wonderful, loving family.  

If you see me a little too excited, too pumped for the mundane, give me that simple pleasure, please. And know this, I will probably be having many of those moments because I’m working through some shit. I appreciate the love and community with all you beautiful horror fans. I feel safe and welcomed amongst you. Thank you.